and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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