Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize