I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize