then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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