they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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