She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
