Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize