I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
