i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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