Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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