i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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