So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
