8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
