Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
