checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
