the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
