I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
