The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
