So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
