Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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