All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
