Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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