That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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