I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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