Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
