my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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