i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize