she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
