There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
3pm strippers are depressing
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
