I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
