What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
