I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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