i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
