My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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