I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
