alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
