So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
