i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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