Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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