lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
As shirtless as possible
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
