Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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