I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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