if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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