got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
