I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm just crazy horny about you
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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