my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
