I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
