i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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