I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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