maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
