By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
