yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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