is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
