just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
