Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
im having a threesome with these popsicles
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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