My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
