I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
