a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
