These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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