Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
